Julkalender

I sat down and watched my father cut the meat with a knife and fork. The silence surrounded me, but it felt as though it had slipped out of my head and into kitchen surrounding my parents as well. My mom didn't look up from the plate and my father was busy eating, and it felt so horrible, so wrong. This wasn't right anymore. We weren't a family, we just ate at the same table. I stood up, leaving my plate and parents behind. I felt their eyes on my back but I ignored them. Inside my head I was singing on a song, with marilyn manson. Mm, it felt so good in my head.

I put on my hacjet and shoes, and left the house, not really knowing here I would go. Anything but to stan in that house.

I stopped dead and stared at the sight in fron of me. The city. The noisy, dirty, busy and rude city. The city where I grew up, the park where I played, the mall where I went shopping with my friends. Ah, friend. Where were they? I seemed to have so many, but now they had left me. Moved far away from this stupid place, like I wanted but couldn't do. I envied them so much, but I couldn't move. It would kill my mother, and I couldn't leave her alone with my father. Who knows what he would do.

A small vibration in my pocket told me that someone wwanted to say something for me. I picked up my phone and read the lines my mother had sent me.

"Be careful!"

I sighed, and turned my phone off. Then i started walking, towards the city, with a little smile on my face.

Careful was something I didn't want to be. It was a bit boring. I laughed inside my head, and ran the last steps towards the bus stop, jumping up to the waiting vehicle and smiled at the chauffeur. I knew him and he knew exactly what to do. I didn't even have to show him my ID.

Since I couldn't drive a car or bike I had free access to the bus, and could go anywhere I wanted, within reasonable limit. I smiled at the man and sat down on a seat, closing my eyes and tried to relax.

I looked at my watch, and told myself I would go and by and ice-cream and then visit a few stores. Actually I needed new shoes. I smiled and looked down at my feet. My black converse where all ripped up, and I didn't think they would last that much longer.

 

I waved as the bus drove on, leaving me behind, before I turned and crossed the street (only after making sure no cars where coming) to the mall. It was a big building, with huge glass windows, so it appeared as though the walls were only made of glass. I opened the door, and smiled atall the wonderful shops and people going in and out of them, like ants.

I decided to buy and ice-cream first, since I had skipped dinner and was beginning to feel a little bit hungry. Not so hungry that I had to buy a hot dog, only hungry enough to want to fill my stomach a little. 

Chocolate and vanilla sounded delicious at that moment, and I pushed my way through the crowd, to the ice-cream man.

His name was Tom, and he was old. Not really old, just enough to remember when my mother was a kid. When I was a child he would always tell stories about her, and he always made me laugh. He was almost like an unvle. Every time we met he would have a huge smile on his face.

Nowadays he didn't smile. Not so much and not so often. And when he did smile, it was not a huge happy smile, but a sad smile, telling me how much he missed me. If he only knew how much I missed his voice these days. I was getting tired of only hearing my voice in my head. I missed the ice-cream man's stories.

He looked at me and smiled his almost happy smile, and I pointed at chocolate and vanilla, and watched him scooping up the two flavours, into a bowl and handing it over to me. I reached in my pocket for my wallet, but he shook his head. "On me," he mimed, and I smiled. I gave him a quick hug before I walked to the centre of the mall, curious to why there were so many people standing there, in a big circle. It was obvious that they were expecting someone. A band perhaps. In the middle of the circle theye was a stage. Not that I could see it now, with all the people in the way but I knew that. I went to sit on a bench, a bit away from the crowd, watching them, and trying to figure out who they were waiting for.

 

I didn't hear him speak, obviously, and when he sat down beside me I jumped in the air.

"Hi," he said. That one was easy to read. I nodded at him, wondering how long it would take him to figure out. This was always fun. Watching their faces as they realized I couldn't hear. I giggled to myself. How long would this one last?

I looked closer at him. He was really beautiful. Tall, with tattoos on his arms, and brown long curly hair. He had some red eyeshadow under his eyes that made him look a bit mad, but it also made him look really sexy. He looked as though he had just gotten out of bed after a wild night. But the look fit him really well.

He pointed at my hand, smiling, and I looked at it. Shit, the ice-cream was melting. I quickly licked it up, watching him laugh at me. I glared back at him and he stopped. 

"What's your name?" he asked. I smiled. That was quick. I started pointing at my ear, but he suddenly stood up. 

"Are you here for the show?" he asked. I could only nod. I guess I was. He smiled and started walking to the crowd. He suddenly stopped and turned around.

"I'll see you afterwards?" he asked. I smiled and nodded again.

"Promise?" he pushed, laughing. I nodded. 

 

I saw him disappear into the crowd, and wondered who he was and if I would ever see him again. Of course I couldn't wait for him. Who knew how long he would be away, and I wasn't aloud to be out to late. Besides, I knew I would soon receive a message, telling me my father was drunk and I needed to come home, to save my mother from him.

I had forgotten that my phone was off and I watched the man entering the stage, realizing, that he was the artist. That surprised me. I wished I could hear him sing. But at least I could read the words from his lips. Or I hoped so. It was usually hard, with the microphone in the way. I finished my ice-cream and stood up on the bench. I guessed that I could probably read his lips from over here. I saw him smiling at me, as he saw me standing on the bench. He looked at the other band members and they started playing. Not that I could hear them, but at the reaction from the people I estimated that they were pretty good. The crowd started jumping up and down like mad and it became hard for me to see him. I sighed and jumped down from the bench. Picked up my phone and turned it on. My mother would soon try to reach me. She got nervous if I stayed away too long. But there was no message. I turned around to walk awat but I caught a glimpse of the man on stage. He was jumping up and down and singing like he was obsessed. Nothing I had ever seen before. Something about him drew me closer. I went into the crowd, keeping my eyes focused on him. I didn't think he could see me now. He had probably already forgotten about me. But I soon stood right in front of him and met his eyes. His wonderful crazy eyes. I felt hypnothized. He smiled at me again, and I couldn't help but smile back.

 

And you never would have thought in the end, 

How amazing it feels just to live again,

It's a feeling that you cannot miss,

It burns a hole through everyone that feels it

 

His words exploaded in my body and I shivered. I would have given anything, in that moment, just to hear him.

And in that beautiful, perfect and almost normal moment, my phone started to vibrate. I cursed my stupid father and against all my wishes, I turned around and walked out of the crowd. I never got to read the rest of the song from his lips. I didn't even see his face as I turned around.

"Please come home," she wrote to me. I smiled, and quickly typed in "on my way", before I hurried to the exit.

I ran towards the bus, waving my hand desperately. It saw me and stopped. Out of breath I reached the bus, took out my ID and showed it to the driver. He nodded and I sat down behind the driverseat. I tried to ignore the looks I got. All these people. My former classmates. My old friends. And now, they were afraid of me. They didn't know how to act around me, so they just stopped visiting. The fact that they were ignorging me, trying hard to forget that I ever existed didn't hurt as much as the fact that I didn't have the voice to yell at them. There were so many thing I wanted to tell tem, and letters on a paper didn't really have the effect I was looking for. I wanted to scream, throw stuff, hurt them with my words, just like they had hurt me with their abscensce.

 

My mother came running towards me, hugging me. She told me how worried she was, and how scared he had made her. I went passed her, into the kitchen and walked straight towards my father. I took the beer bottle out of his hand and smashed it on the floor. I wanted to scream at him, but couldn't. I signed in anger and must have missed a couple of signs.

"Stop drinking," I told him. "You have to stop drinking. For her!"

He ignored me, pushed me out of the way and went to the hallway and took on his shoes. My mother looked at me desperate. I took her hand and led her into the kitchen, just as he smashed the door behind him. I made two cups of tea for us and then sat down in front of her.

"He'll change back," she signed, and smiled hopefully.

"No, he won't" I answered.