Julkalender

I woke up because someone was poking at me. Opened my eyes and saw a long stick in front of my nose. Holding the stick was a little girl.

“Are you a bum?” she asked, and continued poking me. I stood up, and looked around. What was I doing at the playground?

It took me a while to remember what had happened the day before, and when I did my stomach turned and I became angry again. I knew he would be back now and I had to return home. I had to take a shower, change and eat breakfeast before I went to work.

So I started walking home. I remember my phone and took it up. I had received five messages from my mother. I let out a sigh and looked threw them. She asked me to come home, and come home and home. The last one read : “I'm at the emergency.” I smiled a bit, as I walked up the frontyard. “Good,” I answered and opened the front door. My father was home again, since the car was parked at the street.

He sat at the kitchen table, staring into a cup of coffe. He saw me coming into the kitchen and smiled a bit. I tried to ignore him as I opened the fridge. There wasn't much food left. I opened a package of milk and drank from the carton. As I turned around he was standing in front of me.

“Where is she?” he asked. I didn't know what to tell him.

“At the hospital, since you broke her nose,” I signed. He looked surprised.

“I would never..” he started but I broke him off.

“You would, dad. And you did,” I signed in anger and tears fell from my cheek.

“All the alkohol you're pouring into your body turns you into an asshole! And then you scream at her, and hit her. I told you to stop drinking, stop stop drinking,” I signed, and I wanted to scream it and hit him. But I just stood there, watching my father, my hero and role model sink into the chair again, wiping his face free from tears.

“It's all your fault,” I signed, and wasn't even sure if he could see me.

“Bastard,” I thoght, and went into the bathroom.

I slowly removed all my clothes and turned the water on.

My head was aching again. It had been aching almost all the time the last month. We had asked the doctors but they didn't think it meant anything. Still, it was annoying.

After the shower I changed clothes and walked to work. The dogs were barking at me, and I smiled. Mouths opening and closing, and not a sound hit my ear. I had almost forgotten how dogs barking sounded. After telling my boss I was there I fetched a few leashes and put them on my first five dogs. I loved morning walks with the dogs.

It was a big mystery. She just vanished.

She was obviously a bit shy, since she didn't speak that much. Actuallly she hadn't said a word at all. She had to be very shy.

“Bert? What are you doing?” someone asked. I opened my eyes and Dan was standing beside me.
“Sleeping?” I tried. He snorted once and looked around.

“In a restaurant?” he asked, laughing. I looked around. The other bandmembers, Quinn and Jeph were looking at me funny.

“Sorry, must have.. drifted off a bit,” I said. “I'm just gonna..”

I left the restaurant and sighed. I hadn't eaten all day but I wasn't hungry anymore. I started walking towards the park. Some fresh air would do me good.

I noticed that the grounds were full of frost, but not snow. Not yet. It didn't feel like december at all.

I sat down on a bench and closed my eyes a bit. There had been something wrong with the girl. She looked like she was daydreaming all the time, and as I talked, I noticed her eyes fixed on my lips. Very focused. It's the look you get from somebody that want's to kiss you, I thought and giggled. It was in all the movies.

A dog bark made me jump. In front of my eyes there was a dalmatian, waggling his tail and trying to kiss me with a big wet tounge.
“Oh, Hi?” I said surprised. “Where do you come from?”

Steps on the gravel road made me look up. Running towards me was.. her. She had four dogs after her and a empty dog leash in her hand. She took up a whistle from her pocket and blew two short times. The dalmatian frooze, then turned around, and ran towards her. She patted him and discretely put the leash back on. I stood up and walked towards them. The dogs started barking wildly, but she didn't even notice. She kept patting the dalmatian, but as he also turned to me and barked she noticed me. As she recognised me she smiled a bit. I was in fron of her now. On her chest there was a nameplate.

“Hayley, “ I said. She smiled, then nodded.

“I didn't think I'd have the pleasure of running into you again,”

Another smile. Say something, I begged in my head.

“BERT,” someone screamed. I turned around. Jeph was waving at me.

“What?” I answered.

“We have to go! The press conference is starting without us!”

I sighed and turned to Hayley.

“I have to go.. but at least this time I know your name. Do you have a phone number?”

She blushed, and shook her head. My smile disappeared. She wasn't interested.

“Oh, okay...” I said. She looked at my lips again. Why was she giving me these mixed signals?

“Bert!”

“Fine, but can you take my number? You can phone me, or something.. if you like?”

She smiled, this time and nodded.

“Bert, stop standing there like and idiot, and come here!” Quinn screamed.

I quickly wrote my number on a piece of paper. I handed it to her, and as our hands touched I blushed.

“So.. I gotta go, and you got to take care of all your dogs,” I said smiling.

Great. He was expecting a phone call now. And he thought I was a idiot mute. I looked at the dogs. They were waggling their tales, and saw no problem at all. “Stupid dogs,” I sighed. “But at least you don't laugh at me. That's why I love you,” I told them and hugged them.

He didn't come home until late that night. I wouldn't have noticed, if I wasn't in the kitchen, eating a bowl of cereals, and saw him walking into the front door. He didn't seem to notice me. He was too drunk. I thought he would go upstairs to their bedroom, but he went straight into the livingroom. I followed him and watched him sink down on the sofa, falling into a heavy sleep almost instantly. With a silent sigh I left him there, and went upstairs.

The next day was hell. My father opened his first beer bottle at breakfeast, ignoring our looks. The next one, came straight after.

“You are already drunk, you asshole,” I signed to him. He looked at my fingers and giggled. It was obvious that he didn't unsderstand.

“Don't worry about him,” my mother signe behind his back. “I'll take care of him.”

I moaned loudly in my head and left the room. Asshole.

I went to my room, wondering if it would ever change. If he would ever change. Maybe he would, but I didn't believe it would be for the better. It would get worse. What if he got violent?

When I couldn't take it anymore I took my jacket and left the house. In the window I could se my father yelling again. Poor mother. I almost went back in again, but it wouldn't make a difference anyway, so I started walking to the city. On the busstop I looked at the schedule. The bus wouldn't come for another hours. May as well walk, I told myself. I checked my pocket for money, and smiled as I found some. I could buy the shoes now. I had completely forgotten about them yesterday.

The walk took me fifteen minutes and I arrived at the mall in a very good mood. The fresh air had been good for me. I looked at the clock and smiled. The stores had just opened. That meant, fewer people and shorter lines.

The shoe store was at the other end of the mall, and it was a very big mall. I stopped in a shop to buy a coke. The walk had made me thirsty.

I sighed. Another one get's away, I thought.

The show hade gone by smoothly. But they always did. People screamed and listened to us and loved us, and we loved our fans. But I couldn't help thinking about the girl on the bench. She had been so cute, and.. beautiful. I wanted her to stay and wait for me. But as the show was over, and I finally could walk back to the bench, she was gone.
Today I wasn't gonna let her slip away. I figured that I was most likely to find her at the mall, so I went back. Luckily it was my day off, so I had all the time in the world. I would use that. The moment the mall opened I was there, and I wasn't leaving until I found her. Or possibly when the mall closed again.

Hopefully I will find her, I told myself, and smiled brave.

The shoes fit perfectly. They were so pretty to. Black, with green laces and details. I wanted them. And the price was so right. 29,99:-

I giggled to myself as I bounced to the cash register. I payed for the shoes and walked out the store. I sat down on a bench, with the intention of wearing the shoes immediately.

As I took of my shoes, and bent down, I caught a glimse of a very familiar pair of shoes. I followed them via the bones and body to his beautiful impeccable face. The guy from yesterday. He looked around, with a worried look on his face, that was just adorable. I smiled softly. But I had to put on my shoes. I concentrated on my feet again. Oh, the shoes were beautiful.

I put the label and receipt with my old shoes in the bag and stood up. He was gone now. I sighed inboards. Should I look for him? I decided that was the right thing to do. But when I found him, I would pretend to bump into him.

Suddenly I saw her familiar orangea hair. I turned on the spot and walked towards her.

“Hello, “ I said behind her. No response. I frowned and said it louder, closer. Still no reaction. So I tapped her shoulder. It made her jump up in the air, and I jumped away.

“Oh, I didn't mean to scare you,” I said smiling. She saw who it was and smiled immediately. So pretty.

“Do you remember me?” I asked. She nodded, and pulled a string of hair from her face.
“So...” I said and blushed a bit. It was quiet. I didn't like silences. “I thought you might wanna.. meet sometime, and.. eat,”

She nodded again. Then she raised her hand to her face, and looked as if she wanted to tell me something important. A loud vibrating noice made her jump again. She fished her mobile out of her pocket and stared at the screen. Then at me again, this time with panic in her eyes. She looked, almost apologetic, as she turned away, and started running towards the exit.

“Hey.. wait?!” I screamed after her. But she was gone.

He had done it. He had actually hit her. Fury gushed threw my body, making me run faster. That stupid stupid drunken bastard. I would kill him.

As I arrived at our house he was gone again. She sat in the kitchen, quietly crying. I stopped on the doorstep. She didn't look up. I sat down beside her and forced her face from her hands, to look at her. My stomach turned inside my body. I started shaking. Her nose was... broken, and dried blood was everywhere on her face.

“He can't continue like this,” I signed. She shook hjer head.

“He'll change, I know he will.”

I handed her the phone.

“Call the police. Then we'll go to the emergency, because he broke your nose.”

She took the phone and threw it away.

“No, I won't do it,” she signed. “I won't break us apart, we're a family, we solve things together...”

I turned around, and walked out the door. Before I closed the door in front of her face I signed:

“We're not a family. We're just three broken souls who happen to live under the same roof!”

I stopped at the park. What should I do?

I decided to go to work, at the dog daycare center. I used to work there two days a week, but they wouldn't say no to a little help, I figured, and headed towards the busstop. The familiar vibrating tone made me jump again. “Please come home, I'm so alone,” she wrote.

“Then go to the emergency, at least then you won't have to be alone. But I'm not coming home.”

There was no way in hell I was coming home tonight.

I sat down and watched my father cut the meat with a knife and fork. The silence surrounded me, but it felt as though it had slipped out of my head and into kitchen surrounding my parents as well. My mom didn't look up from the plate and my father was busy eating, and it felt so horrible, so wrong. This wasn't right anymore. We weren't a family, we just ate at the same table. I stood up, leaving my plate and parents behind. I felt their eyes on my back but I ignored them. Inside my head I was singing on a song, with marilyn manson. Mm, it felt so good in my head.

I put on my hacjet and shoes, and left the house, not really knowing here I would go. Anything but to stan in that house.

I stopped dead and stared at the sight in fron of me. The city. The noisy, dirty, busy and rude city. The city where I grew up, the park where I played, the mall where I went shopping with my friends. Ah, friend. Where were they? I seemed to have so many, but now they had left me. Moved far away from this stupid place, like I wanted but couldn't do. I envied them so much, but I couldn't move. It would kill my mother, and I couldn't leave her alone with my father. Who knows what he would do.

A small vibration in my pocket told me that someone wwanted to say something for me. I picked up my phone and read the lines my mother had sent me.

"Be careful!"

I sighed, and turned my phone off. Then i started walking, towards the city, with a little smile on my face.

Careful was something I didn't want to be. It was a bit boring. I laughed inside my head, and ran the last steps towards the bus stop, jumping up to the waiting vehicle and smiled at the chauffeur. I knew him and he knew exactly what to do. I didn't even have to show him my ID.

Since I couldn't drive a car or bike I had free access to the bus, and could go anywhere I wanted, within reasonable limit. I smiled at the man and sat down on a seat, closing my eyes and tried to relax.

I looked at my watch, and told myself I would go and by and ice-cream and then visit a few stores. Actually I needed new shoes. I smiled and looked down at my feet. My black converse where all ripped up, and I didn't think they would last that much longer.

I waved as the bus drove on, leaving me behind, before I turned and crossed the street (only after making sure no cars where coming) to the mall. It was a big building, with huge glass windows, so it appeared as though the walls were only made of glass. I opened the door, and smiled atall the wonderful shops and people going in and out of them, like ants.

I decided to buy and ice-cream first, since I had skipped dinner and was beginning to feel a little bit hungry. Not so hungry that I had to buy a hot dog, only hungry enough to want to fill my stomach a little. 

Chocolate and vanilla sounded delicious at that moment, and I pushed my way through the crowd, to the ice-cream man.

His name was Tom, and he was old. Not really old, just enough to remember when my mother was a kid. When I was a child he would always tell stories about her, and he always made me laugh. He was almost like an unvle. Every time we met he would have a huge smile on his face.

Nowadays he didn't smile. Not so much and not so often. And when he did smile, it was not a huge happy smile, but a sad smile, telling me how much he missed me. If he only knew how much I missed his voice these days. I was getting tired of only hearing my voice in my head. I missed the ice-cream man's stories.

He looked at me and smiled his almost happy smile, and I pointed at chocolate and vanilla, and watched him scooping up the two flavours, into a bowl and handing it over to me. I reached in my pocket for my wallet, but he shook his head. "On me," he mimed, and I smiled. I gave him a quick hug before I walked to the centre of the mall, curious to why there were so many people standing there, in a big circle. It was obvious that they were expecting someone. A band perhaps. In the middle of the circle theye was a stage. Not that I could see it now, with all the people in the way but I knew that. I went to sit on a bench, a bit away from the crowd, watching them, and trying to figure out who they were waiting for.

I didn't hear him speak, obviously, and when he sat down beside me I jumped in the air.

"Hi," he said. That one was easy to read. I nodded at him, wondering how long it would take him to figure out. This was always fun. Watching their faces as they realized I couldn't hear. I giggled to myself. How long would this one last?

I looked closer at him. He was really beautiful. Tall, with tattoos on his arms, and brown long curly hair. He had some red eyeshadow under his eyes that made him look a bit mad, but it also made him look really sexy. He looked as though he had just gotten out of bed after a wild night. But the look fit him really well.

He pointed at my hand, smiling, and I looked at it. Shit, the ice-cream was melting. I quickly licked it up, watching him laugh at me. I glared back at him and he stopped. 

"What's your name?" he asked. I smiled. That was quick. I started pointing at my ear, but he suddenly stood up. 

"Are you here for the show?" he asked. I could only nod. I guess I was. He smiled and started walking to the crowd. He suddenly stopped and turned around.

"I'll see you afterwards?" he asked. I smiled and nodded again.

"Promise?" he pushed, laughing. I nodded. 

I saw him disappear into the crowd, and wondered who he was and if I would ever see him again. Of course I couldn't wait for him. Who knew how long he would be away, and I wasn't aloud to be out to late. Besides, I knew I would soon receive a message, telling me my father was drunk and I needed to come home, to save my mother from him.

I had forgotten that my phone was off and I watched the man entering the stage, realizing, that he was the artist. That surprised me. I wished I could hear him sing. But at least I could read the words from his lips. Or I hoped so. It was usually hard, with the microphone in the way. I finished my ice-cream and stood up on the bench. I guessed that I could probably read his lips from over here. I saw him smiling at me, as he saw me standing on the bench. He looked at the other band members and they started playing. Not that I could hear them, but at the reaction from the people I estimated that they were pretty good. The crowd started jumping up and down like mad and it became hard for me to see him. I sighed and jumped down from the bench. Picked up my phone and turned it on. My mother would soon try to reach me. She got nervous if I stayed away too long. But there was no message. I turned around to walk awat but I caught a glimpse of the man on stage. He was jumping up and down and singing like he was obsessed. Nothing I had ever seen before. Something about him drew me closer. I went into the crowd, keeping my eyes focused on him. I didn't think he could see me now. He had probably already forgotten about me. But I soon stood right in front of him and met his eyes. His wonderful crazy eyes. I felt hypnothized. He smiled at me again, and I couldn't help but smile back.

And you never would have thought in the end, 

How amazing it feels just to live again,

It's a feeling that you cannot miss,

It burns a hole through everyone that feels it

His words exploaded in my body and I shivered. I would have given anything, in that moment, just to hear him.

And in that beautiful, perfect and almost normal moment, my phone started to vibrate. I cursed my stupid father and against all my wishes, I turned around and walked out of the crowd. I never got to read the rest of the song from his lips. I didn't even see his face as I turned around.

"Please come home," she wrote to me. I smiled, and quickly typed in "on my way", before I hurried to the exit.

I ran towards the bus, waving my hand desperately. It saw me and stopped. Out of breath I reached the bus, took out my ID and showed it to the driver. He nodded and I sat down behind the driverseat. I tried to ignore the looks I got. All these people. My former classmates. My old friends. And now, they were afraid of me. They didn't know how to act around me, so they just stopped visiting. The fact that they were ignorging me, trying hard to forget that I ever existed didn't hurt as much as the fact that I didn't have the voice to yell at them. There were so many thing I wanted to tell tem, and letters on a paper didn't really have the effect I was looking for. I wanted to scream, throw stuff, hurt them with my words, just like they had hurt me with their abscensce.

My mother came running towards me, hugging me. She told me how worried she was, and how scared he had made her. I went passed her, into the kitchen and walked straight towards my father. I took the beer bottle out of his hand and smashed it on the floor. I wanted to scream at him, but couldn't. I signed in anger and must have missed a couple of signs.

"Stop drinking," I told him. "You have to stop drinking. For her!"

He ignored me, pushed me out of the way and went to the hallway and took on his shoes. My mother looked at me desperate. I took her hand and led her into the kitchen, just as he smashed the door behind him. I made two cups of tea for us and then sat down in front of her.

"He'll change back," she signed, and smiled hopefully.

"No, he won't" I answered.